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I’ve had some really interesting conversations with two of my sons over the last two days.

Those two conversations have revealed a lesson that I think applies to what is holding many of us back in life.

I’ll explain more about what I mean in a minute, but first let me back up.

The Insight I Gained from My Youngest Son

On Monday night, my 9 year old son was beside himself and in tears thinking about going to school the next day.

Why?

The private school he goes to was having a Speech Meet.

And my son is introverted and hates speaking in public.

I could totally empathize with him. I remember public speaking being one of my biggest fears as a young child.

It was a fear that stayed with me all the way through High School. I hated speaking in public so much that I would suddenly tell my mom I was “sick” on the days that oral reports were happening. If she didn’t believe me, I’d refuse to go to school anyway.

Anyway, my son was crying and upset and I told him, “I am really sorry that you feel that way. I remember feeling that way too. But you’re going to have to do it.” 

Then I said, “I know you’re going to be nervous, but just try to do your best anyway.”

He said, “But dad, if I do a good job, then I will have to speak in chapel!”

I said, “What does that mean? How many people will be there?”

He said, “I don’t know. But it will be a lot of people!”

He then told me that he wanted to do a good job, but not too good of a job, so he wouldn’t have to go to the next level.

I had just heard something that I realized had more implications than just for his young life.

And I’ve been thinking about that statement for the last day.

Then today my middle son said something unexpected.

Deja Vu

Today, as we were driving to school, my middle son told me that he had to compete in a speech meet too. (He goes to the same school as my younger son.)

He then told me something strikingly similar to what my youngest son said, even though he never heard that original conversation.

He said, “I want to do a good job, but not too good of a job. Because I don’t want to compete at the next level.”

Is Fear of Failure What You’re Really Afraid Of?

Atychiphobia or the fear of failure is listed on most lists as one of the common fears that most people have.

In fact, I bet if I asked you what was holding you back most in your life, you’d say, “I am afraid of failing!”

In fact, Adam McCaffrey discovered an interesting correlation between fear of failure and procrastination. He found that when people had a higher fear of failure it predicted more procrastination.

I definitely believe that fear of failure is a major success deterrent.

But after those conversations with my two sons, I am wondering if fear of failure is not the real problem for many of us.

Let me explain.

My sons were afraid of what success in their speech meet would lead to. They didn’t want to speak in front of more people. The idea itself frightened them.

And so how did they respond? They held back. They didn’t give it their all.

The fear of all that success would bring them kept them from succeeding!

Achievemephobia

My sons are dealing with Achievemephobia or what you and I would call fear of success.

As I thought about this strange phenomenon happening in their young lives, I realized that it has impacted my life too.

I now speak on a regular basis and that thing that was once my greatest fear is now one of my greatest strengths. But I realize that it still has subconsciously held me back in some ways.

In the past, I wouldn’t have said this out-loud, but I now realize that on a subconscious level I only wanted a certain level of success. Why?

I didn’t want to do too well or draw too much attention to myself, because of the “spotlight” that success would bring into my life. 

5 Forms That the Fear of Success Takes

But don’t think that the fear of success only has to do with public speaking. It has to do with many other things too:

1. Fear of change – Most of us are much more comfortable with the way things are. Even though we probably wouldn’t verbalize this, many of us would much rather keep things the same than risk all the new (scary) things that success might bring into our lives.
2. Fear of hard work – This is similar to the “fear of change.” Most of us are comfortable at the level of effort we put into our lives. Some of us might be afraid of all the extra work (and new work we’re not comfortable with) that success might bring to us.
3. Fear of the spotlight – This is I what subconsciously have dealt with. It’s the fear of the limelight that success can bring.
4. Fear of the opinion of others – Some people are afraid of what their friends might say or think if they achieved more. They are afraid they will break ties with them or judge them because of the success they achieve. Some people might also feel guilty for succeeding more than others they know.
5. Fear of responsibility – This is similar to the “fear of hard work.” But this fear has more to do with being afraid of being capable of handling all of the new responsibilities that success will bring into your life.

The other thing you need to realize is that Achievemephobia isn’t something that just holds you back in business or your work-related life. 

It can hold you back in your relationships or even hold you back in the area of your personal health.

Admit You Have a Problem 

So how do we overcome our fear of success?

The first thing we need to do is realize that we have it. Once we can be as honest as my kids were and say, “I want to succeed, but just not too much,” then we will have taken a big step forward.

If we don’t realize and admit we have this fear, then two things will happen:

1. We will settle for “less than” goals. In other words, goals which are less than we are capable of.
2. Or we’ll set big goals, but we won’t achieve the big goals we set – not because we’re not capable – but because we won’t try hard enough.

To settle for less than you could do or to set small goals is really a shame.

Jim Rohn described this sad reality in this way…

“Every life form seems to strive to its maximum except human beings. How tall will a tree grow? As tall as it possibly can. Human beings, on the other hand, have been given the dignity of choice. You can choose to be all or you can choose to be less. Why not stretch up to the full measure of the challenge and see what all you can do?”

Choose Something Noble Enough 

Let me leave you with one last thing we can do to overcome the fear of success. It addresses this “settling for less” syndrome that many of us have.

Laurence Shames was once quoted in the February 1990 issue of Reader’s Digest for something powerful he said in New York Times about success.

He said…

“John Milton was a failure. In writing Paradise Lost, his aim was to ‘justify the ways of God to men.’ Inevitably, he fell short and wrote only a monumental poem. Beethoven, whose music was conceived to transcend fate, was a failure, as was Socrates, whose ambition was to make people happy by making them reasonable and just. The surest, noblest way to fail is to set one’s standards titanically high.

“The flip side of that proposition also seems true. The surest way to succeed is to keep one’s striving low. Many people, by external standards, will be ‘successes.’ They will own homes, eat in better restaurants, dress well and, in some instances, perform socially useful work.

“Yet fewer people are putting themselves on the line, making as much of their minds and talents as they might. Frequently, success is what people settle for when they can’t think of something noble enough to be worth failing at.”

My hope for you and I is that we succeed at the highest level we are capable of.

I hope that we succeed at the highest level we’re capable of, so we can face the successful things we’re afraid of… an overcome them.

NOTE: I did not make up the term “Achievemephobia.” It’s the real term for “fear of success”.

Photo by hang_in_there